WHO IS MOM? MY POSTPARTUM IDENTITY CRISIS
I recently bought a toy dump truck at Target for my eight month old. It was on sale for six bucks, and I thought to myself: Holy shit… if “cheap dump drunk” is not a metaphor for my postpartum self-esteem, I don’t know what is. Diapers, wipes, bottles, spit up, sleep schedules, dishes, breast milk, formula, dry shampoo, guilt, self-doubt, love, joy, baby poop, dog poop, coffee, laundry, over-cooked broccoli, bibs, anxiety, pediatricians, baby groups, burp cloths, amazon orders, etc… all dumped onto me… the family’s metaphorical truck. C’mon, just pretend that makes perfect sense. For me. I’M FRAGILE.
The first year postpartum has been a buffet of baby bum magic and unconditional love with a big ol’ greasy side of what-the-hell-just-happened-to-my-life. I’m a self-employed screenwriter in Hollywood. It’s a constant hustle. It was a constant hustle before I added “keep tiny human I love more than life itself alive” to my to-do list, and now the hustle can feel downright hopeless at times. For those of you who don’t know, screenwriter life basically means I write a lot of things I don’t get paid for in the hopes they will either A) sell to a studio or production company or B) serve as a writing sample that will ultimately get me a paid gig at some point in the ambiguous future. Sometimes, that happens. Sometimes, it doesn’t. Therefore, it’s my job to generate as much high quality material as I can to maximize the chances of making money. I was doing quite well… until I got pregnant. Though I continued to write during my pregnancy, I only managed to snag one meeting that went absolutely nowhere after they saw my big, round belly. Additionally, there’s no traditional maternity leave for people who are self-employed; you simply don’t work when you don’t work. I know, I know… should’ve been a doctor, Kristen!
When I gave birth to Georgie in May of 2019, I was on the holy-shit-a-gorgeous-baby-came-out-my-who-ha high for the first few months, but then a full panic set in. Andy’s movie moved up its release date five months, so he was (rightfully) MIA. Breastfeeding was an utter nightmare. Georgie had horrible reflux. I had a low-to-zero milk supply, so every free moment was spent power pumping or washing pump parts. It became clear that it was impossible for me to write without daytime childcare, which meant that going back to work would now cost us money, which I just couldn’t justify in my head. I became terrified I would never write again. My inner monologue went something like this: If I never write again, I’ll never accomplish my goals, and if I never accomplished my goals, I’ll be a failure (or worse, a quitter), and then my Exeter-Oxford-Middlebury-Stanford wrap sheet will have been for fuck-all, THEN one day Georgie will go off to get her own education, and I’ll wake up with no baby and no accomplishments, and then WHO THE HELL WILL I BE? A cheap, EMPTY dump truck who my dad would not be proud of - that’s who. Aggressive, I know.
The longer I was Mom, the harder it became to remember who Kristen was. Now, it should go without saying that Georgie is unequivocally the best thing that has ever happened to me. Andy’s up there, too. I’m endlessly grateful for a healthy baby and a fantastic marriage, and I would never want my loss of identity or desire for career success to be misconstrued for anything other than exactly what it is: an internal struggle I’m experiencing during a life-altering transition. I love being mom, but I love being Kristen, too. And it took me a long time to realize that is OKAY.
CONFESSION: I created this blog, in part, to regain some of my slowly dissipating self-worth. And guess what? It’s kinda worked. For months, I was bogged down by the idea that I missed my opportunity to accomplish things in life… like I couldn’t be a successful (screen)writer and a successful Mom at the same time. That’s right, I let myself get tangled in some emotional, 1950’s bullshit. Creating Kristen Writes Things has been an eye-opening, wonderful journey that has made me sit down and really examine myself and approach things from a different perspective. For example, while writing 2019: THE YEAR OF THE NEW MOM, I was suddenly struck with the notion that my dreams and career goals are worth the price of childcare. As obvious as it sounds now, I didn’t feel that way for nearly 6 months, and I couldn’t see how much it was negatively affecting my self-respect. #KristenLearnsThings
In case there are any other moms out there going through their own postpartum identity crisis, here are a few things I’m implementing into my life to help regain my sense of self. 2020, here come the moms!
ACCOMPLISH A GOAL & SET A NEW ONE: I’ve wanted to write a sitcom for years, so in August, I called my mother up, asked her to help watch Georgie for two weeks, and I wrote my first sitcom. (THANK YOU MOMMY!) Then, I decided to create a blog so I could put content out into the world on my own terms. I can’t tell you what these two things have done for my self-esteem. Set goals, no matter how big or small. You’ve got this!
CREATE YOUR OWN SPACE: Before baby, your home was all yours, right? Well, now… nothing is sacred. Not even the goddamn toilet. In our main residence in LA, we have a three-bedroom apartment. When Andy and I found out we were pregnant, my office was the natural (really, the only) place to put the nursery. I then became a café writer, which I didn’t think I minded until recently when I was offered an empty office at the studio where my husband is filming a new show. Since I’ve been working out of that office, I’ve felt like a new person, and my productivity level has skyrocketed. Whether it’s an office, a bedroom, garage, she-shed (one day!), converted closet, or something else, I think it’s extremely valuable to have a sanctuary that is all yours.
EXERCISE: Please do not confuse this with lose weight. Your body has literally grown another human being over the past year – that’s some crazy uterus magic. Now it’s time to do something for yourself: run, walk, swim, spin, stretch, etc… It’s so easy to let your own health deteriorate when you’re madly in love with your little bundle - nothing else seems to matter. But the thing is, you can’t take care of anyone else until you take care of yourself. After eight months of ignoring my body, I finally started exercising regularly. I instantly have way more energy and feel healthier, which in turn, makes me a better mommy.
HIS & HERS HOUSEKEEPING: For some reason, this was hard for us to figure out. Andy was editing a big Paramount movie and dealing with an injured hip, so I felt really guilty asking him to do any chores when he got home... Which just goes to show you how insanely conditioned us ladies can be to feel that our jobs at home raising children are somehow less valuable than our partners’ jobs out in the world… AND that pushing a human out our bodies (or having a c-section) is something we should quickly bounce back from. Women all over the country are doing the majority of the housework whether they are a SAHM, work full-time or part-time, and that is some serious bullshit. We are a family unit and everyone needs to contribute, including Georgie when she’s old enough. It’s taken Andy and I a few months to figure out exactly what our new routine is - mainly because I wasn’t sure what I needed - but now it works really well for us. We tried to figure this out before we had Georgie, but it’s so hard to predict what your needs will be because every baby and every situation is different.
DATE NIGHT: It’s important to remember that date nights are not selfish. Your relationship is still extremely important - crucial even - to your child’s emotional development and exposure to healthy relationships. Take time for yourself and for your partner. After all, you made that gorgeous baby - go celebrate it! Or make another one! (Gasp!)
FIND CHILDCARE YOU TRUST: When it’s time to go back to work, really take your time finding someone you trust, whether it’s a relative, nanny, or daycare, to watch your child. In my experience, referrals are always the best. Some agencies are good, too, though most of them aren’t worth the cost of their services. If you’re in LA or NY and need recommends – I have them! After much trial and error (and some negative experiences) we’ve found a few people we absolutely love… and who Georgie loves! It’s allowed me to go back to work part-time and guilt-free.
GO TO BED EARLY, GET UP EARLY: Ugh, this is the most boring tip ever, isn’t it? It took me a really long time to learn to turn off the Netflix and get to bed, but it makes a huge difference in my day if I can get to bed by 10pm, sleep 8 hours, and then get up early to workout and/or have coffee before Georgie is up. Andy now organizes Georgie’s toys and cleans up the kitchen at night to make this bedtime possible for me, and it’s made a huge difference. Don’t worry, Andy is not getting the short end of the stick - I wake up with the baby in the morning. It’s as balanced as we can possibly make it.
EAT CHOCOLATE IN THE BATH: This is not really a new mom tip. It’s just something I really enjoy, and you certainly don’t need a baby to do it! Strong recommend for all.
Anyone else experience feelings like this postpartum? Have some good advice on how to adjust to the new baby normal? Anyone? Bueller? Comment below!
